“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”