Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.