breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.