I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal