Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
You Might Also Like
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]