Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.