*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
You Might Also Like
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either