Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
fr
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.