For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
This dude got his own movie?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too