Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing