My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Just so funny
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.