Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals