Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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Wikigenius
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this