Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Succinctly put.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments