If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Fries, not lies.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.