Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.