My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You Might Also Like
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Bootstraps
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”