Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Breaking news:
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”