Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.