This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Bruh PLEASE
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.