The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
dam girl
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.