The Sun’s probably Asian.
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?