If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My flabber has been gasted.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Super Hand Dog Face
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.