Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.