ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
smh
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.