If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.