Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much