Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”