It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.