when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????