I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Hmmmmm
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.