Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.