I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness