trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Erm I’m gonna say no
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This was a bad idea all around