I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.