When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
every single time
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
just having fun
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.