Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Cause of death: Zumba