Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
You Might Also Like
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp