Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.