Still my favorite headline of all time:
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.