Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
You Might Also Like
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
It was worth a shot 😂
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.