If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.