HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I have no passwords left in me
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.