Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.