I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
me working on my assignments ^-^
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.