I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you