my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
dutch so unserious
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
What my back needs
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.