CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
birds and squirrels envy us
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
#Thanos #MondayMood
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now