[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now