conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
What the dentist sees
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”